In the valley...God meets us!

I sat outside today, enjoying the fresh air, feeling the wind blow, and listening to the birds singing and my kids playing. My daughter so sweetly set up my chair for me outside, so that I could get some extra vitamin D. She also brought me some cut up peaches to enjoy, as I soaked up the warmth of the sun. I sat there and enjoyed the moment, reflecting on the fact that I had just finished spending almost an hour doing some needed exercises and now I was just sitting back, enjoying the sun and the noises of nature. My life had been so busy pre-MS, plus I'm a do-er. Taking the time to exercise and sit and soak in the sun was not something that would happen very often - if at all! :) While I'm not happy to have MS, I appreciate the push, the force really, that makes me at least try to relax about things, take care of myself, and SLOW down. Of course, this is only possible because God has so graciously provided for our family. My husband can and IS willing to help me. My children, our extended family, and our friends have so graciously met us at our place of need and have gone above and beyond!!! We are SO blessed. I am SO blessed. In the midst of a terrible illness, in the valley, once again, God has met us here!!

He sees our tears...

I was having a particularly rough time. I had seen so much progress...then. Then I don't know what happened. I started feeling odd one night. I stopped doing my exercises for a few days, resting more and trying to give my body time to get past this. There's this difficulty with an unpredictable disease - while I want to feel like I can control it or blame a reoccurrence of symptoms on eating this or that, exercising too much, stressing out, or not relaxing enough etc, trying to figure all of that out and connect all those dots can cause unhealthy stress in and of itself! If I just KNEW it really didn't matter, I would probably stress less trying to figure out what might be causing a mini relapse or an increase of symptoms!!! But there is part of me, that while I understand there is the very real unpredictable part of this disease, still thinks I must be able to do something to help stop it, aggravate it, etc. I'm currently still trying to wrap my mind around my role in all of this. What to focus on, what to do, and what to let go of.

Anyways, that was all a side note. The point was, I was having a rough time. It had been about a week and rather than getting better or even staying neutral, I felt like I was continuing to dip down. Sometimes I would feel better from the dip, but I still felt like there was a slow decline. I had begun to feel more and more that my spasms were closer to returning. It had been around 2 months since having a spasm. I am so grateful to be rid of those things! Anyways, as always, God so faithfully met me.

My husband had an errand to run, I needed to go to the lab, and we had a grocery list! So we piled in the car to run around with Dad, while I stayed in the air-conditioned car of course! As I waited for my husband, I read through a devotional from Andy Elms that totally blessed me. It reminded me that God has a purpose and a plan. There are greater things at work here!! Thank you, God for that encouragement!

Then when we got home, I got on my recumbent bike. As I rode, I cried. I want to get better, I don't want to be slumping back. Yet as I rode, I could recall God's hand so faithfully and continuously guiding us on this path. I thought back to when I was in the hospital. That first night they gave me steroids was horrible. My body reacted poorly and spasmed and seemed to be revolting. I was so scared. What if this was Lyme and they were giving me the wrong treatment and that is why I was getting worse instead of better? That night in the hospital bed, I felt like God wanted me to stick it out with the steroid treatments, "Can you trust me with this?" I did. And I got better! I felt like that was being asked of me again, "Can you trust me with this?" Yes, I will!!!

Sometimes I feel so discouraged, yet there is this hope, this anchor. Faith...faith is the substance of things HOPED for. Anyways, here I was crying, exercising, trying to have FAITH and I get an e-mail from my cousin. She starts telling me how she was praying for me the night before, she had a VERY strong pull to PRAY NOW. She went on to say that she didn't know if there was anything specifically going on at that time, but she felt it strong and she obeyed!! She went on to say that God loves me and I won't be dealing with this forever, etc etc. I sat there in AMAZEMENT!!!! I don't know why, cause God is always SO faithful, but it still leaves me in awe!!! Here I am, little ole' Chrissy crying on her recumbent bike and God sees!! There are MUCH bigger fish to fry out there, people with much more pain and hardship, yet I still mattered to God. My pain still matters to God! In fact, God saw ahead to this moment and had my cousin praying for me and had her share that with me at JUST.THAT.MOMENT. God sees. God knows. He's faithful. Can you trust Him with whatever is overwhelming you today?

God's Truth

I'm having another dip. It's hard. I want so much to be able to "figure it out" and contain it. Was it the wheat I ate? The few corn chips I had? Was it stress? Did I over do it? Stay up too late? The list can go on and on really. But we just don't always get those answers. I suppose sometimes it's just that something screwy happened and my immune system, that is supposed to be helping me, suddenly starts attacking me instead. Isn't it so much easier when everything in life can be wrapped neatly and tied together tightly with a big bright bow? It's so much easier when we can figure it out and avoid "x" and bring about result "y". But that's just not a guarantee I have these days. One guarantee I have is - God LOVES me. That's gonna have to be enough. Cause I don't always see Him working. Many times I do. Many times I see Him opening doors and moving on my behalf. But sometimes I don't see it. Sometimes I get discouraged, afraid, emotional. Sometimes I wonder and have doubts. But I MUST CLING to the TRUTH that I know. The truth that is even TRUER than what we can see, feel, and hear. The truth that is everlasting - God's WORD!!!

Be grateful today...

None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Or even our next breath for that matter. None of us is guaranteed perfect health or happiness. I think many of us go through life with a certain expectancy, though. An expectancy that we will wake up tomorrow, that the sun will keep shining - that we will be able to see it!!! This is something that isn't quite as certain for someone with MS. Of course, it's not so certain for any of us, but when you have MS, you have that extra reminder. You realize that truly you aren't guaranteed your health. Your immune system, for some reason unknown to you, might decide to go rogue and start attacking your brain, your spine, your optic nerve - places it shouldn't be attacking or even accessing for that matter! You might wake up unable to see, or unable to walk. You might wake up stiff, weak, or unable to move without your body spasming.  You might suddenly feel dizzy, confused, tired. Or...you might be just fine!

There is an unpredictability with this disease that can really pull against our desire to have a neat and orderly, well-thought-out, and planned life. I know many people roll with things much easier than me. But I'll admit -  that's not my specialty. I like to know what's gonna happen next. I like to plan and prepare. I like to think it's a gift I have - to be organized, planned, and prepared! :) I have a number of young kids, and if I don't plan ahead, well, we know how easily and quickly kids can take over!!! :) I try to stay on top of things. I was always really good at this in the past. But now I'm needing to learn to rest. To let go. To not worry! This is something I've known I needed to learn, but now it's a necessity. Now it's being thrust upon me. Because having several small children, homeschooling, and having a husband that works for himself wasn't unpredictable enough apparently for me to learn this lesson! :)

The unknown is just a part of my life now. Learning to be grateful for each day, for each ability, for each moment of grace from God is so vital. Life is a gift - enjoying it is a gift! None of us are promised our next moment. Enjoy each breath, soak up those peaceful, happy moments. And thank God for what you have. There's a part of me that's a bit upset that I'm happy that it's been 3 months since I've had a major relapse. I don't even want that to be something that needs to be on my happy list. But it is. It's where I'm at right now. So I can be angry about that, or I can be grateful. Grateful that I've gone 3 months without a major relapse. Grateful I can see. Grateful I'm not in pain. Grateful my body isn't spasming. Grateful I can breathe and care for myself. Grateful I can walk on my own and I can type. Grateful for today and trusting for God's grace for tomorrow.