I sat outside today, enjoying the fresh air, feeling the wind blow, and listening to the birds singing and my kids playing. My daughter so sweetly set up my chair for me outside, so that I could get some extra vitamin D. She also brought me some cut up peaches to enjoy, as I soaked up the warmth of the sun. I sat there and enjoyed the moment, reflecting on the fact that I had just finished spending almost an hour doing some needed exercises and now I was just sitting back, enjoying the sun and the noises of nature. My life had been so busy pre-MS, plus I'm a do-er. Taking the time to exercise and sit and soak in the sun was not something that would happen very often - if at all! :) While I'm not happy to have MS, I appreciate the push, the force really, that makes me at least try to relax about things, take care of myself, and SLOW down. Of course, this is only possible because God has so graciously provided for our family. My husband can and IS willing to help me. My children, our extended family, and our friends have so graciously met us at our place of need and have gone above and beyond!!! We are SO blessed. I am SO blessed. In the midst of a terrible illness, in the valley, once again, God has met us here!!
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
He sees our tears...
I was having a particularly rough time. I had seen so much progress...then. Then I don't know what happened. I started feeling odd one night. I stopped doing my exercises for a few days, resting more and trying to give my body time to get past this. There's this difficulty with an unpredictable disease - while I want to feel like I can control it or blame a reoccurrence of symptoms on eating this or that, exercising too much, stressing out, or not relaxing enough etc, trying to figure all of that out and connect all those dots can cause unhealthy stress in and of itself! If I just KNEW it really didn't matter, I would probably stress less trying to figure out what might be causing a mini relapse or an increase of symptoms!!! But there is part of me, that while I understand there is the very real unpredictable part of this disease, still thinks I must be able to do something to help stop it, aggravate it, etc. I'm currently still trying to wrap my mind around my role in all of this. What to focus on, what to do, and what to let go of.
Anyways, that was all a side note. The point was, I was having a rough time. It had been about a week and rather than getting better or even staying neutral, I felt like I was continuing to dip down. Sometimes I would feel better from the dip, but I still felt like there was a slow decline. I had begun to feel more and more that my spasms were closer to returning. It had been around 2 months since having a spasm. I am so grateful to be rid of those things! Anyways, as always, God so faithfully met me.
My husband had an errand to run, I needed to go to the lab, and we had a grocery list! So we piled in the car to run around with Dad, while I stayed in the air-conditioned car of course! As I waited for my husband, I read through a devotional from Andy Elms that totally blessed me. It reminded me that God has a purpose and a plan. There are greater things at work here!! Thank you, God for that encouragement!
Then when we got home, I got on my recumbent bike. As I rode, I cried. I want to get better, I don't want to be slumping back. Yet as I rode, I could recall God's hand so faithfully and continuously guiding us on this path. I thought back to when I was in the hospital. That first night they gave me steroids was horrible. My body reacted poorly and spasmed and seemed to be revolting. I was so scared. What if this was Lyme and they were giving me the wrong treatment and that is why I was getting worse instead of better? That night in the hospital bed, I felt like God wanted me to stick it out with the steroid treatments, "Can you trust me with this?" I did. And I got better! I felt like that was being asked of me again, "Can you trust me with this?" Yes, I will!!!
Sometimes I feel so discouraged, yet there is this hope, this anchor. Faith...faith is the substance of things HOPED for. Anyways, here I was crying, exercising, trying to have FAITH and I get an e-mail from my cousin. She starts telling me how she was praying for me the night before, she had a VERY strong pull to PRAY NOW. She went on to say that she didn't know if there was anything specifically going on at that time, but she felt it strong and she obeyed!! She went on to say that God loves me and I won't be dealing with this forever, etc etc. I sat there in AMAZEMENT!!!! I don't know why, cause God is always SO faithful, but it still leaves me in awe!!! Here I am, little ole' Chrissy crying on her recumbent bike and God sees!! There are MUCH bigger fish to fry out there, people with much more pain and hardship, yet I still mattered to God. My pain still matters to God! In fact, God saw ahead to this moment and had my cousin praying for me and had her share that with me at JUST.THAT.MOMENT. God sees. God knows. He's faithful. Can you trust Him with whatever is overwhelming you today?
Anyways, that was all a side note. The point was, I was having a rough time. It had been about a week and rather than getting better or even staying neutral, I felt like I was continuing to dip down. Sometimes I would feel better from the dip, but I still felt like there was a slow decline. I had begun to feel more and more that my spasms were closer to returning. It had been around 2 months since having a spasm. I am so grateful to be rid of those things! Anyways, as always, God so faithfully met me.
My husband had an errand to run, I needed to go to the lab, and we had a grocery list! So we piled in the car to run around with Dad, while I stayed in the air-conditioned car of course! As I waited for my husband, I read through a devotional from Andy Elms that totally blessed me. It reminded me that God has a purpose and a plan. There are greater things at work here!! Thank you, God for that encouragement!
Then when we got home, I got on my recumbent bike. As I rode, I cried. I want to get better, I don't want to be slumping back. Yet as I rode, I could recall God's hand so faithfully and continuously guiding us on this path. I thought back to when I was in the hospital. That first night they gave me steroids was horrible. My body reacted poorly and spasmed and seemed to be revolting. I was so scared. What if this was Lyme and they were giving me the wrong treatment and that is why I was getting worse instead of better? That night in the hospital bed, I felt like God wanted me to stick it out with the steroid treatments, "Can you trust me with this?" I did. And I got better! I felt like that was being asked of me again, "Can you trust me with this?" Yes, I will!!!
Sometimes I feel so discouraged, yet there is this hope, this anchor. Faith...faith is the substance of things HOPED for. Anyways, here I was crying, exercising, trying to have FAITH and I get an e-mail from my cousin. She starts telling me how she was praying for me the night before, she had a VERY strong pull to PRAY NOW. She went on to say that she didn't know if there was anything specifically going on at that time, but she felt it strong and she obeyed!! She went on to say that God loves me and I won't be dealing with this forever, etc etc. I sat there in AMAZEMENT!!!! I don't know why, cause God is always SO faithful, but it still leaves me in awe!!! Here I am, little ole' Chrissy crying on her recumbent bike and God sees!! There are MUCH bigger fish to fry out there, people with much more pain and hardship, yet I still mattered to God. My pain still matters to God! In fact, God saw ahead to this moment and had my cousin praying for me and had her share that with me at JUST.THAT.MOMENT. God sees. God knows. He's faithful. Can you trust Him with whatever is overwhelming you today?
God's Truth
I'm having another dip. It's hard. I want so much to be able to "figure it out" and contain it. Was it the wheat I ate? The few corn chips I had? Was it stress? Did I over do it? Stay up too late? The list can go on and on really. But we just don't always get those answers. I suppose sometimes it's just that something screwy happened and my immune system, that is supposed to be helping me, suddenly starts attacking me instead. Isn't it so much easier when everything in life can be wrapped neatly and tied together tightly with a big bright bow? It's so much easier when we can figure it out and avoid "x" and bring about result "y". But that's just not a guarantee I have these days. One guarantee I have is - God LOVES me. That's gonna have to be enough. Cause I don't always see Him working. Many times I do. Many times I see Him opening doors and moving on my behalf. But sometimes I don't see it. Sometimes I get discouraged, afraid, emotional. Sometimes I wonder and have doubts. But I MUST CLING to the TRUTH that I know. The truth that is even TRUER than what we can see, feel, and hear. The truth that is everlasting - God's WORD!!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Be grateful today...
None of us is guaranteed tomorrow. Or even our next breath for that matter. None of us is guaranteed perfect health or happiness. I think many of us go through life with a certain expectancy, though. An expectancy that we will wake up tomorrow, that the sun will keep shining - that we will be able to see it!!! This is something that isn't quite as certain for someone with MS. Of course, it's not so certain for any of us, but when you have MS, you have that extra reminder. You realize that truly you aren't guaranteed your health. Your immune system, for some reason unknown to you, might decide to go rogue and start attacking your brain, your spine, your optic nerve - places it shouldn't be attacking or even accessing for that matter! You might wake up unable to see, or unable to walk. You might wake up stiff, weak, or unable to move without your body spasming. You might suddenly feel dizzy, confused, tired. Or...you might be just fine!
There is an unpredictability with this disease that can really pull against our desire to have a neat and orderly, well-thought-out, and planned life. I know many people roll with things much easier than me. But I'll admit - that's not my specialty. I like to know what's gonna happen next. I like to plan and prepare. I like to think it's a gift I have - to be organized, planned, and prepared! :) I have a number of young kids, and if I don't plan ahead, well, we know how easily and quickly kids can take over!!! :) I try to stay on top of things. I was always really good at this in the past. But now I'm needing to learn to rest. To let go. To not worry! This is something I've known I needed to learn, but now it's a necessity. Now it's being thrust upon me. Because having several small children, homeschooling, and having a husband that works for himself wasn't unpredictable enough apparently for me to learn this lesson! :)
The unknown is just a part of my life now. Learning to be grateful for each day, for each ability, for each moment of grace from God is so vital. Life is a gift - enjoying it is a gift! None of us are promised our next moment. Enjoy each breath, soak up those peaceful, happy moments. And thank God for what you have. There's a part of me that's a bit upset that I'm happy that it's been 3 months since I've had a major relapse. I don't even want that to be something that needs to be on my happy list. But it is. It's where I'm at right now. So I can be angry about that, or I can be grateful. Grateful that I've gone 3 months without a major relapse. Grateful I can see. Grateful I'm not in pain. Grateful my body isn't spasming. Grateful I can breathe and care for myself. Grateful I can walk on my own and I can type. Grateful for today and trusting for God's grace for tomorrow.
There is an unpredictability with this disease that can really pull against our desire to have a neat and orderly, well-thought-out, and planned life. I know many people roll with things much easier than me. But I'll admit - that's not my specialty. I like to know what's gonna happen next. I like to plan and prepare. I like to think it's a gift I have - to be organized, planned, and prepared! :) I have a number of young kids, and if I don't plan ahead, well, we know how easily and quickly kids can take over!!! :) I try to stay on top of things. I was always really good at this in the past. But now I'm needing to learn to rest. To let go. To not worry! This is something I've known I needed to learn, but now it's a necessity. Now it's being thrust upon me. Because having several small children, homeschooling, and having a husband that works for himself wasn't unpredictable enough apparently for me to learn this lesson! :)
The unknown is just a part of my life now. Learning to be grateful for each day, for each ability, for each moment of grace from God is so vital. Life is a gift - enjoying it is a gift! None of us are promised our next moment. Enjoy each breath, soak up those peaceful, happy moments. And thank God for what you have. There's a part of me that's a bit upset that I'm happy that it's been 3 months since I've had a major relapse. I don't even want that to be something that needs to be on my happy list. But it is. It's where I'm at right now. So I can be angry about that, or I can be grateful. Grateful that I've gone 3 months without a major relapse. Grateful I can see. Grateful I'm not in pain. Grateful my body isn't spasming. Grateful I can breathe and care for myself. Grateful I can walk on my own and I can type. Grateful for today and trusting for God's grace for tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Improvement...
Friends, I am happy to report that I am continuing to improve!!
I've been at Physical Therapy for about a month now. Today we went through some comparative markers to try to gauge what kind of progress I've had, and indeed I AM improving! Getting stronger and doing more! :) Of course, I've known that, and can see/feel that I'm doing better, but hey, now it's documented in my charts. Ha ha!!!
The dizziness is pretty much gone, I'm walking much better, and getting up to speed! I'm pitching in a *little* bit around the house, and I'm helping with the kid's schooling. I'm able to do some needed exercises, and I'm doing better with fatigue and mental stimulation, although I still have some room to grow there! I also have some numbness and coordination issues that come and go. but overall we are seeing tremendous improvements and I'm SO GRATEFUL! I was on a muscle relaxant, 10mg every 4 hrs. I have been able to completely wean off of that, and I haven't had any muscle spasms in OVER a month!!! Praise God!
Thank you all for your prayers and support through this. God is good!
I have begun my new autoimmune therapy, but we are still working out the details to get that in full swing. I'm still believing for a COMPLETE healing - just letting y'all know I'm not giving up on that! :) BUT I am very grateful that the Lord has rather miraculously brought this alternate therapy to our attention in the meantime. This therapy has really begun to put a lot of the pieces together for me. With such early intervention, even in the natural, things look promising.
There are still tears I cry, I don't want this horrible, unpredictable disease, but I see God moving and working and it truly is Amazing. Even when we don't see it, long before problems ever arise, God is moving on our behalf, aligning and setting things up for our good. I still don't understand ALL of His ways, but I know that He's good, and He loves us. No matter what we see, think, or feel. That is the TRUTH that we cling to!
I've been at Physical Therapy for about a month now. Today we went through some comparative markers to try to gauge what kind of progress I've had, and indeed I AM improving! Getting stronger and doing more! :) Of course, I've known that, and can see/feel that I'm doing better, but hey, now it's documented in my charts. Ha ha!!!
The dizziness is pretty much gone, I'm walking much better, and getting up to speed! I'm pitching in a *little* bit around the house, and I'm helping with the kid's schooling. I'm able to do some needed exercises, and I'm doing better with fatigue and mental stimulation, although I still have some room to grow there! I also have some numbness and coordination issues that come and go. but overall we are seeing tremendous improvements and I'm SO GRATEFUL! I was on a muscle relaxant, 10mg every 4 hrs. I have been able to completely wean off of that, and I haven't had any muscle spasms in OVER a month!!! Praise God!
Thank you all for your prayers and support through this. God is good!
I have begun my new autoimmune therapy, but we are still working out the details to get that in full swing. I'm still believing for a COMPLETE healing - just letting y'all know I'm not giving up on that! :) BUT I am very grateful that the Lord has rather miraculously brought this alternate therapy to our attention in the meantime. This therapy has really begun to put a lot of the pieces together for me. With such early intervention, even in the natural, things look promising.
There are still tears I cry, I don't want this horrible, unpredictable disease, but I see God moving and working and it truly is Amazing. Even when we don't see it, long before problems ever arise, God is moving on our behalf, aligning and setting things up for our good. I still don't understand ALL of His ways, but I know that He's good, and He loves us. No matter what we see, think, or feel. That is the TRUTH that we cling to!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
May God make you strong and bold...
Hello, friends! I started physical therapy a little bit ago, and I'm definitely seeing progress!!! I still have setbacks and times when fear tries to get the best of me, but I'm learning and growing and continuing to see God's hand of guidance.
We were supposed to start the disease modifying drugs today, but after much prayer, research, and consulting, we feel we are being led down a different path and I AM SO GRATEFUL!!! So continued prayers fo healing and guidance as we walk this new path!!!
I certainly had some crazy emotions while we were set up to start the meds. While it was scary and emotional, it was also a valuable path for me to walk to help sort through some things. Fear can be a thing for me, unfortunately. The fear of starting Gilenya was very real, and I didn't really have a peace about starting it. But I also felt like not starting Gilyena, while it wasn't doing anything, WAS doing something. NOT doing, IS doing sometimes, right? Especially in this situation, when it was easy to feel a bit like a ticking time bomb, unsure when another attack would come! Did that make any sense? ;) So I had to process a few things! Is my God big enough to walk with me, even down THIS path? For me trusting for a healing is one thing, but what about these meds now?! Ya know?! :) Is He big enough to prevent nasty side effects? Is He big enough to walk with me through these nasty side effects!? What if I die? What if I don't die and they screw me up just enough to not kill me, but leave me a vegetable? Can I still trust God even through THIS?! The answer is YES!!!! I walked that scary path in my mind straight to the end and had to decide!! The conclusion, God could be trusted!!!! He truly loves us, and we don't have to be afraid. This doesn't mean we won't be afraid! ;) This doesn't mean we won't go through hard times. But He can be our anchor!!!!
My daughter wrote out this verse for me awhile ago. It is by my recumbent bike where I exercise and I love it!!!
We were supposed to start the disease modifying drugs today, but after much prayer, research, and consulting, we feel we are being led down a different path and I AM SO GRATEFUL!!! So continued prayers fo healing and guidance as we walk this new path!!!
I certainly had some crazy emotions while we were set up to start the meds. While it was scary and emotional, it was also a valuable path for me to walk to help sort through some things. Fear can be a thing for me, unfortunately. The fear of starting Gilenya was very real, and I didn't really have a peace about starting it. But I also felt like not starting Gilyena, while it wasn't doing anything, WAS doing something. NOT doing, IS doing sometimes, right? Especially in this situation, when it was easy to feel a bit like a ticking time bomb, unsure when another attack would come! Did that make any sense? ;) So I had to process a few things! Is my God big enough to walk with me, even down THIS path? For me trusting for a healing is one thing, but what about these meds now?! Ya know?! :) Is He big enough to prevent nasty side effects? Is He big enough to walk with me through these nasty side effects!? What if I die? What if I don't die and they screw me up just enough to not kill me, but leave me a vegetable? Can I still trust God even through THIS?! The answer is YES!!!! I walked that scary path in my mind straight to the end and had to decide!! The conclusion, God could be trusted!!!! He truly loves us, and we don't have to be afraid. This doesn't mean we won't be afraid! ;) This doesn't mean we won't go through hard times. But He can be our anchor!!!!
My daughter wrote out this verse for me awhile ago. It is by my recumbent bike where I exercise and I love it!!!
Thursday, September 1, 2016
All in my head...
Our new favorite joke around here is, "Don't worry, it's all in your head!" Cause for me, it is!! LOL
When we first went to Urgent Care with my symptoms, she couldn't find anything alarming. So she encouraged us to plan a follow up with my PCP, but not to think too much about symptoms. "I'm not saying it's all in your head, but you know?" Yes, I know!! Actually, I do know how easy it is for me to have "sympathy pains", so I truly wasn't insulted by her comment.
Now, we have discovered it IS all neurological. So, when I have weird symptoms or tire too easily at physical therapy, we just remember..."It's all in my head!!" Sometimes, I go to describe something weird that's going on in my body, and I catch myself going to say...Maybe this is just in...wait it IS in my head!!!! I'm having a weird symptom!!! LOL
When we first went to Urgent Care with my symptoms, she couldn't find anything alarming. So she encouraged us to plan a follow up with my PCP, but not to think too much about symptoms. "I'm not saying it's all in your head, but you know?" Yes, I know!! Actually, I do know how easy it is for me to have "sympathy pains", so I truly wasn't insulted by her comment.
Now, we have discovered it IS all neurological. So, when I have weird symptoms or tire too easily at physical therapy, we just remember..."It's all in my head!!" Sometimes, I go to describe something weird that's going on in my body, and I catch myself going to say...Maybe this is just in...wait it IS in my head!!!! I'm having a weird symptom!!! LOL
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